We originally talked about getting married really quickly. But we felt like we wanted to be married in a church, wanted to have all the people we loved there.

-Shauna, whose fiancé was undergoing treatment for leukemia during their planning

We were torn: Did we learn that we don’t want a big wedding, because life is short, why should we spend the money? At the same time, life is short, why not do a big party. It affected our planning in a much more grand way than either of us thought. It always hung over our heads-who knows what next October will look like? Am I going to be in chemo again? God forbid, what if I’m not even here?

-Fran, who had colon cancer and got engaged shortly after being told she was disease-free

Our life felt very at risk. Nothing felt out of the woods. Buying a dress felt crazy: hopeful, and at the same time, foolhardy.

-Shauna

Initially I was reluctant to start planning the wedding because I was scared of getting ill again and I didn’t want to have to cancel plans again. That’s partly why we arranged it quickly, before I could relapse. Once I started planning it was actually therapeutic to focus on something positive instead of worrying about my health.

-Sally, who was diagnosed with bone cancer and had to postpone her wedding

With the stress that comes from dealing with an illness, you may find that pulling off your nuptials as planned is too physically or emotionally demanding. You might be considering either moving up the date or pushing it back. Either way, if you go into it with an open and flexible mind, the process shouldn’t become overwhelming, says Lindsay Landman, founder of Lindsay Landman Events in NYC.

First, consider the prognosis for the illness you’re facing, and think about the effects a date change may have, both mentally and logistically. Landman typically advises clients struggling with sickness to speed things up because she has seen couples who have put off their wedding end up continually postponing it. “Getting married can give you and your family the strength to help you through the challenges you’re facing,” she notes.

Before you can set a new date, you’ll need to speak to any vendors you’ve already hired, plus your officiant, to determine their availability. Start with the caterer and venue, “the two biggest pieces of the puzzle,” Landman says. Next, talk to any who are self-proprietors; an independent photojournalist, for example, wouldn’t be able to simply send a replacement, like a photo studio might, if you choose to reschedule the wedding on a busy day. It’s always preferable to stick with the vendors you’ve already hired. “They’ll be more loyal to you than new vendors would likely be,” Landman says, and most will try their best to accommodate your needs, especially if there’s a health-related reason for your changes. Most will also apply your deposit to the new event, if it’s booked within a particular time frame. But you’ll also need to be realistic; the pros you’ve hired are businesses with many requests for the same dates, so some may not be available on the new date and you might have to replace them. (Check your contract to see if you’re entitled to a partial or full refund of your deposit.)

Also keep in mind that there can be other fees involved in a date change, such as extra rush rate for the bridal attire—potentially up to 50 percent of your dress’ total cost. If that’s the case, you might choose to abandon your order and the deposit and buy a dress off the rack, which would probably be significantly discounted, says Landman. But before you make that move, be sure the shop will not charge you the full amount for the dress you’ve already requested; some will, as they wouldn’t be able to sell your dress to anyone else, and you can’t stop them if they have your credit card information.

If you now plan to marry sooner than expected, consider selecting a different day of the week for your event. Vendors and venues are less likely to be booked for a wedding held on a Thursday or Friday evening or a Sunday—Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are two dates that are especially slow, and some venues even offer discounts on those days—so that may be the most seamless option for you. Also, don’t be afraid to ask for help. Even if you had originally wanted to plan the wedding on your own, you may find that the date change (and added health responsibilities) have become more of a challenge, so it now makes sense to hire a planner to help. (See our story, “Hiring a Planner,” for more on how to do it.)

Finally, don’t forget to look into local laws about marriage licenses. You might need to hurry to get one sooner, or if you’re holding the wedding later than you’d planned and have already gotten your license, it might expire too soon: In most states, they’re valid for a period between three and 60 days.

When changing your plans, be sure to inform everyone involved. It’s not easy to have to talk about why the wedding plans are being accelerated or pushed back, but to make sure your guests can still attend, you should allow as much time as possible for them to reorganize their travel plans. (At least six weeks’ notice is preferable, but a wedding can certainly be pulled together in two to three weeks, as long as you’ve secured the vendors; you just may end up with a smaller crowd.) “You don’t have to get into all the uncomfortable details of your situation,” Landman says. Simply send a brief letter or even an e-mail to everyone as soon as you know he new date and any adjustments to the venue or accommodations. She suggests stating, “Due to extenuating circumstances, some of our plans have changed,” and giving the revised details. Ask your stationer to recommend companies that can print the letter quickly: Some are more willing to rush orders, and you don’t have to work with that company that did your invites—another can design the note to look similar.

The challenges you’re dealing with are stressful, but keep in mind, Landman says, “Being married and having a really positive experience and a special, happy day can give you strength to help you get through it.”

Did you decide to change your date, or keep it?
Share your experiences here.

• Tie one of your wedding elements to an item that’s meaningful to (or reminiscent of) him or her. For example, if your relative is a sports fan, include a tiny flag representing his favorite team in the center of your bouquet, or use ribbons in the team colors to wrap the stems. If there’s a particular flower your friend loves, you can use those blooms to decorate a part of the altar. Similarly, if a particular poem reminds you of this person, you can incorporate it as a reading in your service, along with a brief mention of why you’ve chosen it. Some brides wear a locket holding a photo of the person who can’t be there, to keep him or her close to her heart.
• Mention the friend or relative in your program, describing why he is special to you and can’t be with you at the wedding.
• Include something important to that person in your reception décor; for example, your grandmother’s milk-glass collection could be used as vases for the floral centerpieces.
• Make a donation with the money that would have been spent on wedding favors to a particular charity that has significance to the person who is ill. (You can leave notes of explanation at each table.)
• Ask your band or DJ to help you pay tribute by performing a special song that reminds you of your loved one.
• Connect the affected person to the event via technology. Most photographers now shoot digitally and can have photos uploaded to a Web site throughout the event so that your relative or friend can view them, nearly in real time. Or consider having your wedding Webcasted. Numerous services, including webcastmywedding.net and vowcast.com, can make it possible for your loved one to watch the wedding as it unfolds, on a computer—the next best thing to actually being there.

PLEASE NOTE: Before deciding on a tribute, discuss it with your parents or your groom’s so that they’re not caught off-guard. It’s also possible, especially if the loved one is their spouse or parent, that they prefer you don’t draw attention to this person’s absence as it would upset them at the event. If this is the case, it’s best to respect their wishes and either omit the tribute or find a way to keep it to yourselves (such as tucking a piece of lace from your grandmother’s wedding gown into your bouquet in a way that isn’t visible to guests).

In what ways will you incorporate, or have you incorporated, your loved ones into your wedding day?
Talk about your ideas here.

If you, your fiancé or a family member becomes sick when wedding planning is already underway, unfortunately you won’t be able to insure your event. Wed Safe, Fireman’s Fund and Travelers all exclude people with preexisting medical conditions for which medical care or advice was sought within 12 months preceding the date of issue.

However, travel insurance might offer some protection, so you may not have to forfeit your honeymoon for fear of either not being able to go or needing to seek medical attention once you’re there. Two things you need to know about purchasing coverage for trip cancellation, interruption or required treatment:

• Many insurance providers will waive the preexisting medical condition exclusion if the traveler is deemed medically stable when the plan is purchased. “Medically stable” is defined as not having taken, or expected to take, a turn for the worse, and being well enough to travel at the time the insurance is purchased. If the traveler is medically unstable—for example, if you’re currently undergoing treatment but your doctor says you’ll be able to travel later—you will not be covered.
• If you paid for your honeymoon in advance, check the policy’s “lookback period.” This is the insurance provider’s definition of whether a preexisting medical condition exists, and it typically varies from 60 to 180 days prior to the policy’s effective date. In other words, the company will count backward from the day you purchase the plan to determine whether a condition was preexisting. If your illness has been completely controlled (meaning there have been no changes in medication, diagnosis, care or treatment in the past 60, 90, 120 or 180 days, depending on the duration of the provider’s lookback period), it won’t be considered preexisting, and you should be able to insure your trip.

All providers require that you cover the entire length of your trip (so if you’re dividing your time between a cosmopolitan city and a remote island, for instance, you can’t insure only the latter), and most insist that you cover your trip’s full prepaid, nonrefundable cost. If you don’t know that exact amount, overestimate to be safe. You can usually decrease the figure prior to your departure, and if the difference drops you to a lower trip cost range, many companies will offer a partial refund.

Also, the plan must be purchased within a certain time frame. For AIG Travel Guard and Travel Safe, the deadline for purchase is 14 days after the first trip payment. For CSA Travel Protection and HTH Worldwide, it must be bought anytime before or within 24 hours after your final trip payment. Finally, keep in mind that if you don’t pay for all elements of your honeymoon in full at one time, any money spent toward the vacation will be considered your first payment—even tax charged for redeeming frequent flyer miles or refundable deposits.

Do you have any stories or advice about wedding travel insurance?
Share with fellow brides and grooms here.

When couples need to switch gears with their wedding plans, that often means hiring a planner to help pull them off. What follows are questions that nearly every couple should consider when choosing their planner, but especially those brides and grooms who are facing the complex emotional and logistical issues that accompany illness.

Q: How many weddings has she planned in a short period of time?
This is important if you’ve decided to accelerate your wedding date and you won’t have much time to work with. You should hire a planner who has been in this situation before and handled it successfully, says JoAnn Gregoli, a Master Bridal Consultant and co-owner of Elegant Occasions in New York City.

Q: How many events is the planner managing during your wedding weekend?
Your planner should have only one event going on: yours. Given your special circumstances, you won’t want anything else competing for her attention.

Q: Is this person a calming presence?
If the planner is overly excitable—“talking a mile a minute, or coming at you with a lot of scattered thoughts,” explains Gregoli—then you may need to keep looking. “You want this person to be the stabilizing factor among the chaos that’s occurring in your life,” she says. “This is the one who’s going to keep everything on an even keel.”

Q: What do the references say?
Make sure your questions give you a sense of how the person you’re considering handles stress. Ask whether the planner creates drama, or keeps peace. Find out how she dealt with curveballs and crises: Did she stay calm in every situation that arose?

Q: What is the planner’s compassion level?
Are they more business-driven or people-driven? A compassionate planner is one who’s going to tell you everything is going to be okay. “You’re looking for reassurance throughout the planning process,” says Gregoli.

Even with a phenomenal planner by your side, be prepared for your emotions to run high during the buildup to the event, and of course on the day itself. “On a regular wedding day, you already have heightened emotions,” explains Gregoli. “Under these circumstances, it can feel doubly or triply emotional. Look for the joy: You’re getting to marry the person you love.”

FOR MORE ON HIRING YOUR VENDORS, GO TO
Brides.com/planning

Have you needed to hire a planner quickly?
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With medical costs looming, you may find yourselves with a more limited budget for the wedding. Here are 12 tips to help you save significantly on your big day.

1. Change the venue.
If you were planning to get married in a house of worship and then hold the reception somewhere else, consider moving your ceremony to the reception venue. You’ll save on the ceremony site fee and won’t have to pay for the transportation to both spots.

2. Inquire about freebies.
Some party sites will include a cake, flowers or a honeymoon suite—or all three—in their wedding packages, so it can pay to ask.

3. Be savvy about menu choices.
A fancy beef or seafood dish can drive up the price of your event. A fabulous chicken entrée or even an exotic vegetarian risotto can wow your guests for a lot less.

4. Select a well-dressed site.
If you haven’t already booked your venue, take into account how much decorating the party spots you’re considering will require. A grand historic estate for example, may need only minimal flowers for décor—so in the end, this venue might cost you less than a bare reception hall.

5. Pick your flowers wisely.
Choose less expensive blooms that are in season—perhaps dahlias or local hydrangeas—to use at the base of arrangements since they’ll ultimately be covered by pricier flowers. If you want exotic blooms, which tend to be costly, go for ones that can be cut into separate sections and spread throughout an entire arrangement.

6. Call upon friends.
To free up funds for other areas of your wedding, have talented friends create your welcome baskets, or ask a relative with neat handwriting to address all your invitations.

7. Trim the guest list.
It’s obvious, but it bears mentioning: Each additional attendee means an extra meal, a bigger bar tab and one more invitation you’ll have to pay for. With eight to 10 extra guests, you’ll also have to purchase another centerpiece.

8. Limit the liquor.
The bar tab can be the biggest budget breaker for many couples. You can save a lot by forgoing top-shelf liquor; many guests either won’t notice or wouldn’t have expected the biggest name brands. Many brides and grooms also make the bar more affordable at their wedding by offering guests beer and wine only (at least one red and one white), along with a sophisticated signature cocktail. Or, if your site allows, buy liquor at a warehouse-style store and pay your venue to provide a bartender.

9. Create a visual illusion.
An insider’s design trick is to use large or boldly colored design elements in the center of the room—such as high centerpieces on the inner tables—to draw the eyes of guests. This way, you won’t need to use much decor for the periphery of the room. The same works for your ceremony site; instead of spending on florals for the entire space, place two tall arrangements at the altar since all eyes will automatically be up front, on the two of you.

10. Be your own beauty pro.
You can save a lot by doing your own hair and makeup. Get ideas and tips beforehand from magazines and makeup counters, and ask a friend to help you on the big day.

11. Be a DIY Bride.
Swap floral centerpieces with silk flowers, candles and pretty fillers to give your reception a personal touch at a lower price.

12. Negotiate with vendors.
Don’t be afraid to ask your vendors for reduced rates or if there are any special extras that can be thrown in for the price you’re paying. Shop around before making any final decisions, and don’t sign any contracts before thinking them through first.

FOR A HELPFUL BUDGET ADVISOR, GO TO
Brides.com/budget

What budget tips have you discovered during your wedding planning?
Share your advice here.

By Bryce Edmonds

“I can’t believe we’re having this conversation,” I said to my younger brother. Only, trust me, there were several less printable words strewn about that sentence. We were at our parents’ kitchen table discussing our thoughts on our sister’s wedding—and our dad’s cancer.

In mid-January, “The News” came down like a boulder kicked loose from a cliff. Dad has cancer. Bad enough for sure, but add in our sister Megan’s fast-approaching nuptials, planned for mid-April, and the result was a perfect storm of disbelief, worry and fear.

As soon as The News hit, the flurries of conversation started. Will Dad be able to walk down the aisle? Dance? Give a toast? Will he be there at all? Should we change the date? Cancel? What contingency plans could we prepare? Discussions were many—some secretive, some filled with tears. Meanwhile, Dad was talking to his doctor, determining whether they could plan treatments so the wedding would take place during an energy-upswing period. And finally the time for a decision was close. Today was Friday; Megan was planning to send invitations on Monday.

Back at our kitchen-table conversation, my brother and I had decided that in this case we were bystanders—highly interested and engaged bystanders, but still bystanders. Our feeling was that the only way to make sure Dad was at the wedding was for Megan and Donnie to jet off to a justice of the peace, pronto—but we also felt it was such a difficult decision, it didn’t really matter what we thought. Two more voices would only muddy the increasingly cloudy waters. Our job, we agreed, was to be the best support crew we could be for our family as they made some tough choices.

When Megan and our parents discussed the situation, Dad proclaimed that he would be at the wedding on the scheduled date. It was what he’d work for each day, the goal that would keep him going during the first half of his treatment. The downsides of that decision—primarily, that he might not be able to attend—were considered. And in the end, all three concluded that the wedding would go on as planned.

After they decided, our second-guessing was nearly constant. There were bad days. Days when we wondered if maybe my brother and I would need to help both our father and sister down the aisle. Days when we wondered how quickly we could set up big-screen TVs and a wireless live video feed at the hospital and wedding site. Days when we thought maybe my brother and I would walk our sister to the altar because Dad wouldn’t be alive to do it. In fact, a few days before the wedding, he was doing very poorly: He was having a hard time walking; his immune system was nearly nonexistent; he was having frequent nosebleeds. Mom confided, “I think we made the wrong choice.”

The wedding morning arrived, cloudy and cold, spring at its changeable best. Then it began to clear and became sunny and warm. We wheeled Dad up as close to the aisle as possible, and then he got up and waited for the ceremony to begin. He walked our sister down the aisle with a cane lent by a friend. His newly bald head looked better than his usual comb-over, we joked. And later, he danced, as dozens of cameras flashed and tears flowed. Then, holding the hands of my sister and her new husband, he gave a speech. He was there.

Bryce Edmonds is a writer living in Boulder, CO.

Have you ever gone through something similar?
Share your experiences here.